Autumn Song

Yesterday, we should have been landing at the airport in Rome, writing new chapters of wonderful Italian adventures in that breathtaking part of the world. 

Instead, we sat with canceled plans in a hospital in Nashville, meeting with the surgeon to arrange heart surgery– again. The second one this summer. I suppose these kinds of cancellations are inevitable when someone my age lives part time in faraway Italy. Plans get altered, and sometimes canceled. Learning to live with disappointments is an inevitable, though still difficult, part of life at any age. Proverbs 16:9 says, “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” I absolutely believe that God directs my steps, even when I don’t understand…and at the same time, I’m determined not to give up on living life or making plans because of disappointments or setbacks. I guess it’s the “Alice” in me.

Remember Alice, my elderly friend who traveled the world, regardless of her “heart condition?” (She never told me exactly what the condition was.) Well, I guess that could have been me. Though I’ve had a strong mitral valve prolapse all my life, about a year ago I knew something else was very wrong. I couldn’t even climb a flight of stairs without getting completely winded, and the fatigue was getting difficult to manage. After procrastinating for far too long, this past March I finally saw a cardiologist where we learned that my mitral valve had completely ruptured. Blood flow was erratic, causing the left atrium to be severely dilated, and backing fluid into my lungs, causing shortness of breath.

Though open heart surgery appeared to be the only way to treat it, I met with two surgeons who surprisingly offered me voluntary participation in an experimental research heart surgery they were testing. I would be only the third person in Nashville to have this less invasive surgery done. Apparently all my tests were showing that I’m in surprisingly excellent health, apart for this mechanical problem. I was a perfect candidate. It sounded too good to be true! After surgery, it only required 1 day in the hospital and a mere week or two to recover. When I asked how it was that I’d been chosen out of literally thousands of heart valve patients at this major heart hospital, one of the surgeons responded, “You were in the right place at the right time!” This seemed to be a miracle of God’s provision– an incredible open door. So, of course, I walked through it. 

Ironically, exactly 20 years ago to the day of my surgery, my Dad had died having surgical repair of his ruptured mitral valve. I remember the song that carried me then, “Blessed be the name of the Lord; He give and takes away… My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name…” Now, honestly, I felt amazed at how much science and medicine have advanced in those 20 years!

My summer was therefore filled with many, many trips to the hospital. So far, tracking the success of the surgery for research has involved 6 echocardiograms, two sedated TEEs (trans esophageal echocardiograms), a sedated cardiac catheterization, multiple EKGs, two CT scans, a heart monitor, more lab work than I could track, as well as the experimental research surgery itself called CardioMech. For my surgery, they had flown in one of two men from Norway who had developed this technique, as well as an engineer from Rome, Italy and another from Sweden, a surgeon from New York, as well as two surgeons from Nashville. Quite a team! And quite an honor to be able to help others in the development of stunning new research!

Sure enough, at the end of the second week of recovery, I was back swimming ten lengths of the pool every day. Recovery was amazing… until it wasn’t. I blamed my returned shortness of breath and asthma-like issues to Tennessee’s high summer heat and humidity, and started searching the internet to diagnose why I was still having issues. Allergies? Silent acid reflux? 

A routine follow-up echocardiogram, however, gave evidence that the surgery had failed. The CardioMech had involved attaching a cord to the ruptured valve flap, and securing the other end of the cord to the inside wall of the left ventricle. After another TEE, yet another echocardiogram, and a fluoroscope, it was determined the cord had broken. I was back at the beginning with a fully ruptured valve– less than a week from when we were due to fly to Italy. 

Now, the only course of action is to have conventional open heart surgery next week. The hospital stay will be about a week long including the ICU, and recovery will take about a month. Nevertheless, we still have plans–Lord willing– to head to Italy later this fall, if even for a shorter time than we’d originally planned for. And I have very good motivation for getting through all of this with a good attitude: our oldest granddaughter, Raeme, became engaged to be married this winter. My goal is to have a heart strong enough to celebrate with her and Isaac! 

I am more grateful than anyone can imagine for wonderful family and dear friends– both here and in Italy– who have been praying for me through this difficult summer. Through prayers, God has sustained me and given both Dan and me incredible peace. I don’t know how I would have done this without Dan, who stayed with me in every appointment, procedure, and test. My kids and grandkids–every one– have been unbelievably encouraging and supportive. Old friends have kept in touch, sending texts or phone calls to strengthen us. Church friends have brought meals, prayed for me, shared scripture, and extended amazing support. Many friends in Italy have texted, called, prayed, and encouraged us. Even my Italian friend Egle (who speaks no English) has continued to cheer me with photos and texts –in Italian– of encouragement. These have really carried us forward.  

There are some things we may never understand in this world in regard to the sovereignty of God and His plans for us, and yet I will never doubt that God is sovereign over it all. A very old song has carried me through this summer: 

My life is in Your hands, 

My heart [literally] is in Your keeping.

I’m never without hope, 

When my future is with You. 

My life is in Your hands, 

And though I may not see clearly, 

Lord I know my life is in Your hands…

I trust You, Lord- My life is in Your hands. 

There’s nowhere else in this world– here, in Italy, or anywhere else– for us to be, apart from firmly in His hands.